The Professional Exam

Thank you to all the lecturers, staff, patients, seniors and juniors (my teaching subjects, a source of study), study group mates (Abe, Aiman, Ammaar, Coax, Hafiz, Nadhir, and even Zaim for a short while), batch-mates. Thank you for tolerating my extroverted, cynical, nasty, narcissistic and mean tendencies.

Looking back, I am still sad that the memories of SPM haunted me again, consistently scoring among the top, but failed to deliver on the big day (1 B, in BM). And considering how hard I tried to achieve it, more than my SPM efforts, it hurt even more. Considering the potential I knew I had, the result was an underachievement, a failure of sorts in the objective point of view. Even as I type I am still having periodic episodes of tears welling up.

How I hate the effort-results curve (my imagination, and it's sigmoidal in shape). To get a higher result, you need extraordinary effort after a certain level. And when you fail to achieve the objective, you feel as though all of that effort was just, "lost".

Long story short, it wasn't composure that failed me in the clinicals, but my mental stamina. My mental energy ran out at the wrong time.

Long case - Hemophilia B. Never seen 1 in my life prior to Pro. I clerked according to logic.

Short cases - Twin pregnancy, acromegaly, ACL tear. Those who remember my luck with the Lachman test might be interested to know that again, I failed to notice a really obvious positive Lachman test while lecturers already saw it. Just like in year 4 revision. Only when I repeated the test did I notice it, a complete tear.

But subjectively, it was probably not a failure. None of the study group members had to re-sit their exams. Truthfully, when I heard every one of those names mentioned, I smiled in my heart.

And I did well for the Pro considering that Abah fell sick since the 3rd posting with stroke. Almost every week since December if I remember correctly I went back home during the weekends. It was extremely tiring, regardless of whether I travelled by bus or car. 70% of my knowledge of internal medicine was based on my year 3 knowledge, as there was a lack of time to read. Teaching juniors helped tremendously.

And right before the exams, Abah would again be readmitted, with an aortic valve replacement during my clinicals. The original planned surgery was to include an ascending aortic replacement with coronary reimplantation, and cardiac bypass; I only knew that the simplest was to be done well after the exams. And yet I remained composed enough, I blocked out any worries about Abah and focused on the exams. I did well enough that I called Umi right after the exams to tell her I passed before waiting for the results, the confident being I am. I knew a distinction was out of reach, but yet I remained hopeful until yesterday noon. I haven't told her yet the exact results. But Abah is now alert.

Inspired by the performance of Liyana Mazli, Mastura and Fatin of the previous batch, I tried to emulate their excellence. During that year I was disheartened by the fact that I was not considered for Ortho distinction due to failing an easy PMP on sports injury which I was confused by the manner of the questions. I vowed to keep myself average and sane, until the AGD, listening to the posting awards. I wanted to be at par with them. Since then I worked hard, getting distinctions in the first 2 postings, and good marks in the latter 3

Alas, the handicap I had probably hindered me, but to me this was probably an excuse. But yet I hope that Umi and Abah would be proud of their son, excelling in difficult physical, emotional and mental circumstances, although the true definition of excellence would have been the D. I cannot thank them enough, Umi for teaching me the alphabet at 3, and nurturing my competitive self, never settling for mediocrity. Is there any mother that scolds her child for not getting a distinction when it was in reach? She was the one who cared for Abah since his illness, and told me to focus on studying and performing. And for Abah, who never stopped helping me financially in living comfortably to excel, and for teaching me to work hard, even when you are a bright person. And thanks to my fiancee as well, who had to tolerate me ignoring her for weeks focusing on the exams. I've done what I could, but I guess second best is the highest I can ever achieve, until proven otherwise.

With that, thank you. Alhamdulillah. The pain may persist for months, but at least the "educational" ride is over. Now into the world as a working doctor, a different animal.

P.S. Mr Hafiz on me never seeing a hemophilia patient, "You don't need to see cases, you only need to know it!" I hope that he was proud seeing me present and discuss a case I have never seen outside of a textbook.